June 5th, 2018

Before I take the time to deliver some of the most amazing news I have ever received in my life, I want to paint a picture of where I am sitting in this exact moment. I am sitting on the balcony porch of a house that my family has rented for vacation multiple times before. The house is located in a small town in Oklahoma called Broken Bow, which sits smack dab in the middle of Beaver’s Bend State Park. My view includes a beautiful picture of the woods surrounding the house that go on for about a half mile before they meet the road. The sky is slowly fading from a light blue color to an orange, and lastly a faded white aligned with the setting of the sun. There is a slow rain falling that is softly hitting leaves on it’s way to the ground. In front of me, on a glass table, sits my wig.

My wig. I realized as I was writing this, that I haven’t talked about my wig on the blog very often. I guess I just assumed that people who saw me in public or saw my instagram knew that I wore it pretty often, but that I didn’t mind venturing out into the world with my shiny bald head every once in a while. Recently after I received the results from my final scans I slowly started to become more discouraged about the fact that I still don’t have any hair. Dealing with eyebrows that are completely gone and eyelashes that still seem to be hanging on somewhat, has not been the most ideal experience. I have to continue to remind myself that the hair grows back and the scars will fade; wise words once written by the great Kate McMordie. Sitting beside (and I mean literally next to) your hair is a weird thing to think about. But, the fact that I have the choice to take off or put on my hair is reminder to me that hair is a temporary thing. Yes, most all of us have it, and yes, hair is a large part of the way we define ourselves when it comes to image, but I’ve said it many times and I will say it again…I wish for just a moment of your life, you had the chance to look in the mirror at yourself minus the quality that you believe makes or breaks your appearance. That quality is beautiful and God made you exactly the way he planned to all along, but I pray that you try your hardest not to get caught up in this one part of yourself. Little do you know, God looks at every single part of you, and says to himself, “This is beautiful…this is good.” So embrace the bald head or the long toes or the big ears. Bubbles of weakness may get you down, but don’t ever let them stop you from understanding the Love that the Father has for us.

The rain. People who know me well know that I love the rain. I love the sight of rain, the smell of rain, and the way concrete feels when it’s wet from rain. Just recently, I realized that maybe the reason I love rain so much is because it causes me to sit in awe of God as it falls from the sky.  Rain awakens all of my senses, causing my eyes to watch, my nose to smell, my ears to hear, and my hands to touch the sight, smell, sound, and feeling of rain. Some people may think it is cliche to say that the Lord’s presence can be felt the strongest while sitting amongst nature, in the middle of the woods where all you can hear are the birds chirping and the trees swaying…but, how often do we truly stop and take the chance to simply sit? Life is so busy that I rarely stop and make myself say “wow God, that tree is beautiful and was created by you.” While on the subject of the creator and back to talking about looking in the mirror, it is just as easy to look at a flower and admire its beauty as it is to look at yourself and admire your beauty. Because when it all comes down to it, God created us and shaped you and that flower, in his hands, to be perfectly crafted the exact way he wanted. So yes, dance in the rain and take a deep breath of that fresh air the next time you’re walking to your car and it happens to start sprinkling. Breathe in the creation. I promise you won’t regret it.

Home. Just a few nights ago I was having dinner with some friends and my good friend Maddie said something that made me reflect on my five month long cancer journey. She said, “Home is the people, not the place.” We both decided that this saying was probably written down somewhere else, or said by someone else in some other form of words, but in that moment, Maddie’s words caused me to stop and think. Home is most certainly the people and not the place. Let me say that I love where I live, and I love my community. But, what makes my home, home is the people who surround me where I live and uplift me amidst my mountains and valleys. Sitting on this porch tonight, on the outside of a house filled with a large part of my family, I can recognize that this spot, right here in Broken Bow, Oklahoma for the last couple of days, is home. Over the last few months my mom and I have traveled back and forth from Round Rock to Houston a total of 10 times. When I am in Houston, surrounded by the amazing doctors and nurses that I now consider close friends and almost family, I am home. While sitting across from Connor laughing about something, crying about something, or simply enjoying each other’s company, I am home. While spending time with my sweet friends who I will be parting from soon, I am home. While spread out in our enos surrounded by woods and the Ouachita Lake giggling with my camp friends, I am home. And lastly, as new people come into my life in a new city, at a new school, I will be home.

Oh, to be free. Finally. The moment we all prayed for. A short five months lived and lived well. On May 29th at 8:40 pm I received news that I was officially cancer free. There were many tears and I am so thankful for the journey that I have had the opportunity to embark on. January 25th seems like years ago, but it also seems like days ago. This whole time period has forced me to grow in ways that I never imagined I would have to grow at the age of 18. God has taught me that no matter how hard I try, I have no control of how my life looks now or how my life will look years down the road. Most people ask me if this time period has felt like it happened in the blink of an eye. Most of the time I answer that question by saying, “on the hard days, the last five months felt like they would never end…but God gave me so many other good days that caused me to thank him for the lessons I’ve learned and the experiences I’ve had. I will honestly say that I do feel as if I’ve just lived through 5 years rather than 5 months. To some people that may sound crazy, but I feel I have been taught things that some adults never come to understand, and I have literally been forced to do things that were originally out of my comfort zone, making me a stronger person all the more.

So, what are the next steps? I will be headed back to Houston tomorrow for a radiation simulation where I will get a CT Scan to survey the area that I will be receive radiation. I will also get measured and marked for all of my upcoming treatments in order to ensure accuracy and prevent healthy tissue from being radiated in the process. We learned last week that I will only be receiving radiation to my neck and chest (no abdomen!!! woohoo!!!). I will complete 14 days of treatment at MD Anderson hopefully starting mid-June, and should be done around the beginning of July. My “Ring the Bell” ceremony is planned for early July and I am so ready to ring that bell loud and proud!
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Cancer, you have been beaten.