I am feeling undeserving. Why do I use this word when my body has been through hell and back in the last month? We take this life for granted. Throughout the last 2 years I have been pushed toward my one clear purpose: to eternally praise His name…in all of my actions. This is wrapped up in every decision I have made, every relationship that has developed, and God I pray, any and every word that has left my lips and entered into the world.
I am thankful and grateful in ways that I never thought were possible. It may sound gruesome to call this a second chance at life, but isn’t that what we are offered when we bow down at His throne and promise to be His hands and feet? We are called to be made New. For the first time in my life I truly do feel made New. I am rawly and purely Rylie. Rylie whose body has been beaten and torn and worked and broken and restored…renewed I should say.
The words below are what I believe to be the Lord speaking literally to me for just the second time in my life. No, I could not hear his voice speaking but my fingers moved to form these words and I know they are not my own. To every single one of you who have experienced any kind of relationship with God, these are the things He thinks about you as well. Move some words around and change some experiences to those of your journey, but these are the words that I believe I have finally come to fully understand after living the life I have lived for the last 2 months and the last year and half if I'm being honest. The life I have lived since January 25th of 2018.
As I type these words, my hands shake. These hands that I feel have literally been held by the heavenly Father, more times than I can grasp and more times than I deserved. In and out of the hospital, on the grounds of summer camp, in the new mornings, in the tears running down my face. He holds my bald head that I’ve now experienced two times in the prime of my image conscience years 13-21 of age and says,
“This head. It is strong. It is powerful and brave. It is hairless and though you think that is wrong and you look in the mirror to question my creation, this is in fact the most beautiful part about you. Why? Because it is the proof of your trial and triumph. It is part of your scars yes, but you have won my child. In moments when you feel you have questions, touch your head. Look at yourself and smile. You have moments of hating this picture of yourself but when I look down at you, I look down and effortlessly smile. I, in a continuation of hallelujahs, look at you and smile. You have fought and you have won. You, my daughter, are so changed. Changed in the best way possible. Death has stared you in the face and you have simply said, no ‘Thank you.’ Do not get me wrong, you have feared and you have questioned and you have worked to understand the meaning of my plan. But I believe you may have finally grasped the meaning of surrender. This huge word. It takes an experience like yours to send you on a journey of surrender. You vocalized to me just two months ago on the grounds of Ozark that you wanted to do just that. You surrender. And my goodness look at the joy you have experienced even amongst the life threatening moments. I have done it again my child, just as I promised all along. Thank you for allowing me to guide you and love you. Even though I will do all of these things through every moment of your life regardless of you mentioning your gratitude for it because that is who I am. I am your creator. Your beginning and end. Everything in-between. Your tears have stopped now and you are smiling. My promises are consistent yet new everyday and I am overjoyed that you truly understand that now. Live for me on Earth in complete surrender. Use your words for good. Your bald head is beautiful from up here. You have been reborn in more ways than one. Never take that for granted. I love you.” -Your Heavenly Father
Lord, I hear you. Thank you for making me New.
Health update to come later! For those asking, I am doing wonderful and feeling nearly back to normal. Medicine & Miracles, you have given me a tomorrow.
Author: Rylie York