I plan to write about my medical progress in a later post. I have felt called this morning to share the emotional journey of my last few days.
In all honesty, the last 60 hours have been some of the most challenging hours of my life. Through a sudden flood of pain, sadness, confusion, nausea, and uncertainty I had begun to doubt that all of this was even happening to someone like me? How could a “healthy” 18 year old girl who had been keeping up a normal routine just 3 weeks ago, now be lying in complete emotional and physical brokenness? I began for the first time to ask God, “why me?”. I have learned it is extremely difficult to turn to him in the moments when my head is aching, I can’t even make it to the bathroom on my own, or my stomach feels as if it could explode. A small reminder I have kept with me is that this is TEMPORARY. My sickness, this life, and all of ours lives here on Earth. This is not God’s final destination for any of us. He loves us so dearly and wants nothing more than for us to live eternally with him in Heaven.
As I lay and write these words on this gloomy Wednesday morning, I will confess once again that my last 60 hours have been the most testing to my faith in all my life. But, oh what a feeling it is to wake up and know that today is a new day. Today, this week, and this month will bring new challenges and experiences but I know He will never leave me. A line from one of my favorite worship song states repeatedly, “Oh what a savior…wonderful Jesus.” What simple yet beautiful words. “Death could not hold you, you are victorious.” OH WHAT A SAVIOR!!! Oh what promises he gives us!!!! Lord may I praise you unconditionally, just as you love me. I have seen the mountains and valleys set before me. Hold my hand Lord. Hold it tightly.