I am going to start out this post by saying that my goal is not to make anyone feel sad as you read my words. I am just learning to adjust to life in new ways, and let go of things I used to have control of.
A little side note: I have been feeling good this week other than some pretty bad jaw pain from my Chemo Infusion last Monday. On Tuesday I cut about 6 or 7 inches of my hair off, and I love it. I hadn’t changed my hair style or length in probably 4 years, and it’s refreshing to be sporting something new. On that note, I have decided to be honest with my feelings of hair loss, and some other things that are newly out of my control.
At the beginning of this journey, when I first found out about my diagnosis, I was hyped about going bald. That is the honest truth. I thought, “dang!! not that many people can say they were bald for a short period of their life.” I would imagine myself at things like Prom, or walking the streets of Baylor in Waco with no hair. I am here to tell you that though my confidence level regarding this subject was very high, it has slowly lowered. At this point, I don’t know what will happen to my hair, and I don’t know if I will lose all of it. Regardless, it’s scary. As I said above, I love my hair. And adjusting to not having something that I’ve had all my life will be difficult. I am writing this because yesterday afternoon I began to notice that a good amount of my hair was already falling out. Now, if you looked at me you wouldn’t be able to tell that I’ve lost that much…but I felt disheartened as the day continued and I couldn’t run my fingers through my hair without pulling out 10 hairs at a time. Though thinking about losing my hair is both frightening and confusing, I am learning to prepare myself for my potential “no hair” day.
I mentioned in my last post how much I love my planner. On a daily basis I open it up just to make sure everything is right, that I have completed what needs to be completed, and that life in my little head is going as…planned. In the past month, God has held my hands through many things, but he has also separated them from the thing that makes me feel most in control. I spent 8 days in the hospital, not knowing what tomorrow would bring, what my body would suddenly start doing or stop doing, and I slowly began to give each moment to him. When I start to get nervous about the future, and not knowing what a lot of this process means for “college” rylie, for “married” rylie, and even for “mom” rylie, all I can do is remind myself that he has it all under control. God knows all my next steps before I am about to take them. He knows something as little as what I will have for breakfast tomorrow, and something as big as whether or not I will be able to have children. I pray for strength in knowing that he holds tomorrow. I pray for assurance in moments of weakness. I pray for overwhelming love. Trusting in Him.